URGENT URGENT URGENT!!!

The BA.5 Omicron Sub-Variant is here!! Be afraid! Be VERY AFRAID!!

Apparently (according to a recent channel 7 news report) there’s a BRAND NEW VARIANT (BA.5) just landed on our shores!

Yes, that’s right! After a long gruelling flight, (BA.5) “THE MOST DEADLY COVID VARIANT EVER” has finally made it down under!!

The weary and somewhat jet lagged viral mutation has unboarded the airplane - been successfully screened through customs and immigration - collected its luggage from the baggage turnstile - checked out of the airport terminal and is now warm and snug in the privacy of an undisclosed 5 star luxury hotel room in the CBD. Currently has its feet up, sipping a warm cup of cocoa, reading the TV guide.

Tomorrow it will no doubt begin making its plans towards wreaking havoc on the good people of Australia.

Apparently, (according to the news report), this is the most threatening and contagious variant yet!! Therefore we should be mortally terrified!

With this in mind… I offer some personal tips towards keeping yourselves safe throughout this challenging time.

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• Wear no less than 15 masks. Can’t take any chances… it’s deadly dangerous out there!! And be sure to keep them really really tight on your face. In fact, consider wearing a snugly fitting perspex face shield as well.

• Always keep your distance. The experts say 1.5 metres… I reckon 1.5 kilometres is much much safer.

• Be sure to test yourself no less than 3 times per day. Once again, can’t take any chances… you don’t want to die.

• As for boosters… double up!! If the experts say 4 boosters per year… have 8. Personally.. I’d be having 20! Much safer.. and no doubt better for your health.

• As Dr. Kerry Chant advises.. “if you see your neighbours… don’t stop to chat with them.. just keep on walking… way too dangerous!”

One last thing…

From memory, there was a particular Seinfeld episode called ‘Bubble Boy’. He was kept safe from all viral contamination within the safety of his own private airtight enclosure. Consider getting yourself a custom fitted bubble suit.

That’s all for now. STAY SAFE!!

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